"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." -Augusten Burroughs


You know when you walk into a room and you forget why you entered in the first place? Well that's how I feel everyday, every second. I drive head first into every situation with the deepest conviction and logic. Then I awake in a cloudy daze, never understanding why I do the things I do.

The trouble is, you think you have time.

It's as though I'm on this train, with people constantly getting on and off. Some leave quickly, without so much as a backward glance. I almost prefer those insufferable passengers, the goodbye is easy. But then there are those that take their time, saying goodbye slowly and intricately, before they tip-toe away to better lives. Regardless of the individual au revoir, they all manage to leave something behind: a scraggly scarf that still has the faintest scent of coffee, a pearly, beaded necklace reminiscent of better times, or some obscure novel in french script. I gather up my collection of their little memoirs, and I teach myself not to mind the circus of passengers. Despite the fact that scraggly, coffee-stained scarves do not keep you warm, beaded necklaces do eventually fall apart, and obscure, french novels don't keep you occupied for very long.

I have five clocks in my life, and only one has the time right.

"I don’t doubt myself because of you. I feel like the best version of myself when I’m with you, and that makes me doubt everything else." - Keeping the Faith

My future self is the only motivation that keeps me trudging forward. I keep hoping the person I'll become from all of this will be worth it. I'll be worth it.

"I’m always anxious thinking I’m not living my life to the fullest, y’know? Taking advantage of every possibility? Just making sure that I’m not wasting one second of the little time I have." - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"If we can forgive what’s been done to us, if we can forgive what we’ve done to others. If we can leave all of our stories behind, our being victims and villains - only then can we maybe rescue the world. But we still wait here, while we’re still victims, waiting to be saved. Waiting to be discovered while we suffer." – Chuck Palahniuk

We're all laughing with God.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure. I know I'm not, but I can't ease this feeling.

I think my life would make a perfect story on a conflicted teenage girl. But I'm sure we all feel this way, boys excluded of course.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" This question has haunted me for days. Mainly, because I don't have the answer for it.

"Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there’s a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there’s a why. Maybe somewhere there’s that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen."- The United States of Leland


These last few days, all I've desired to do is lay out on the grass and read a book. I want to cherish this beautiful weather.
I really like him. I hope that's enough for now.

I'm currently reading this memoir. Her stories are fantasting, but heartbreaking.

"It's said that the saddest thing a man will ever face is what might have been, but what about the man whose faced with what was, or what may never be, or what can no longer be? Choosing the right path is never easy. It's a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us, but sometimes we find our way to something better. Sometimes we fight through the regret and remorse of our mistakes, our malice and our jealousy, and the shame we feel for not being the people we were meant to be, and that's when we find our way to something better, or when something better finds its way to us."

I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

I'm conflicted.
Why must I always be conflicted?
I need some clarity.

A friend introduced me to this song.
It really spoke to me.

You got me living in the past.

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected." -Fight Club

I'm dragging the past with me to every encounter I have. I suppose I expect to be disappointed. I shouldn't have this mentality. I know better.
Karma is proven frighteningly so everyday. I always receive what I dish out.
Kind words, kind thoughts, kind actions....Then repeat. Honestly, it's not so much of an effort anymore. I forgot how to be mean to people. Maybe one day I will attempt to relearn. Which makes me wonder...did I ever know how to stand up for myself?

I feel like moving on today. Let's see if this carries on to tomorrow.

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

It doesn't feel real. But it is, and I have to do what I'm prepared to do.

"The world is a great mirror. It reflects back to you what you are. If you are loving, if you are friendly, if you are helpful, the world will prove loving and friendly and helpful to you. The world is what you are."

Divine by Design

I'm going to forewarn you.
I'm dedicating this post to Andy Samberg and Twilight.

MTV Shows

Why yes, Andy Samberg, I did just jizz in my pants.

Okay the New Moon Trailer left me in chills. I have a thing for the director now.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

I now solemnly swear, I am Switzerland. No longer can I choose between Jacob or Edward. Could you?

MTV Shows

Yeah....I'd get sick of kissing Rob after awhile too. Wait, what?

MTV Shows

At least Rob thought it was cute. Okay, okay, I thought it was cute too.

MTV Shows

\
Oh boy, I love him.
Megan Fox is a disgrace.

I'm slowly killing the voice inside my head, the voice of fear, and I'm replacing it with the voice of reason. It's here to claim it's throne, to speak the glorious truth.

So I was going through my old notebooks from last semester and I came across something I long forgot.

Is is possible for one person to forever alter your circumstances? This person doesn't have to be your one true love, you won't marry this person, and you may never see them again. Yet that one person is your ultimate source of power. They are where you draw your greatest inspiration, your most challenging pain, and your most immense insight. I say it is possible, for I have that person. He did nothing to earn this Medal of Honor, not once was he worthy of it. On no account did he ever make me feel special or admirable, but rather shameful and naive. So how in my right mind is he my greatest influence? He revealed to me places inside me I didn't know existed, I felt pain that I didn't know possible, I felt passion that defeated my very soul, leaving a new one in it's place. He opened my eyes to the world. I hear more salvation as the rain pours on my roof, I see more love as a mother scolds her child, I smell more hope in the desperation of a broken man. He revealed to me the beauty of this very life. I love him every single breath for that. And I know that someday soon, the breathing will become easier, as it flows back to it's natural routine.



What doesn't seem fair is that Bella actually haves the privilege of spending her entire life with that person.
I must remember she's a fictional character.
Trailer for New Moon comes out tomorrow!
Don't judge me.

I find it whimsical how when things fall apart, the more important things fall into place.
It's as if the universe is aligning as a reward for my surrender.
It gives me hope.


"The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."


I've never felt so alone before.It's both terrifying and intriguing.

There's so much to discover while you're on your own, yet you have no one to share it with.

My favorite part.

I finally felt the sun today.
It was remarkable.
If by chance, at the end of this life an angel asks me what my favorite part was, I'll reply undoubtedly with "warmth."
The warmth of the sun on my skin.
The warmth of my bed on a chilly night.
The warmth of a twenty minute long shower.
The warmth of being held by someone I love.
It's the ultimate feeling of comfort and security.
Even if it is just an illusion of safety, it's the greatest one there is.

I read the world in retrospect.

I was at a meeting last night, and the speaker said something very profound, something I think I already knew but didn't understand.
"The past doesn't determine who we are in the present, the future does."
We're living into the future expectations of ourselves, creating who we think we ought to be.
I can't explain it, but it's the truest thing I've heard in awhile.

I'm not a huge fan of the Bible, but this verse is it's best aspect.
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Peter was a smart guy.


I'm really disappointed Allison didn't win. :(

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

This morning, while I was searching under my bed for something, I found something else that sparked my interest.
On a crumpled up piece of note book paper, was something I had written months ago.
It read:
“If I were to be promised that I would find someone to love as much as I love him, then I would gladly let him go.
But I’m afraid I won’t.
So I’m going to hold on for as long as I possibly can.

Even if I’m miserable doing so.”

I was blown away by how idiotic my judgment was.
How could I expect to love anyone, or accept love in return, if I was still holding on to someone who didn’t deserve my love in the first place?
I wasn’t seeing clearly at this time, I was thinking irrationally. But I learned so much about myself by thinking this way. This explains it perfectly:
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”
-Charles Dickens

Three months later and I’ve found that someone to love.
It’s me.
I don’t completely love myself quite yet, but I’m a step closer every day.
I find myself being more defensive lately. It’s like I have to protect myself from people’s criticism and judgments now more than ever. I think it’s because I’ve been walked all over and manipulated far past the point anyone should have to tolerate.
I need to take care of myself to love myself.

"What is right for one soul may not be right for another. It may mean having to stand on your own and do something strange in the eyes of others. But do not be daunted; do whatever it is because you know within it is right for you."
-Eileen Caddy


The Reader is my favorite story thus far.
Perhaps because I can relate to it on some level.
I recommend everyone to either read the book, or watch the movie; both which are absolutely wonderful.

And what about the truth?

It's been a year since I left high school.
I've missed out on a lot and experienced things I could have avoided if I staid.
Regardless of all the bad, I'm happy in my decision. I'm ten times stronger of a person than I was a year ago. I have many people to thank for that.
This year can be summed up in the great words of Johnny Cash. But I won't be living inside his song anymore, it's time for something better.

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


I once had a garden filled with flowers
that grew only in dark thoughts.
But they needed constant attention
and one day I decided I had better things to do.

“Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns driven time and again off course, once he had plundered the hallowed heights of Troy . Many cities of men he saw and learned their minds, many pains he suffered, heartsick on the open sea, fighting to save his life and bring his comrades home.”
-The Odyssey




Today was a test of my strength.
I didn't pass.

Console me in my darkest hour

Writing is conceivably the most therapeutic way to deal with my feelings.
I wrote letters to myself last night. It helped remarkably.
I hope that when I look back on them I'll realize how insignificant these events and emotions were. Or perhaps I'll understand why they were so important.

We studied love and attraction in Psychology today. It was very interesting.

Fact of the Day: I love singing along to Frank Sinatra with my boyfriend.

The secret that wants to be known

Kate Winslet is genius.
In every way possible.

This is so true.
I'm sure everyone has felt this way at one time or another.


Allison!
She recieved best photo. I'm so proud :)

When the lights go out

So I realized, I have every reason in the world to be happy and grateful.
I have Starbucks, a best friend, a boy friend, a wonderful family, and my health.
Seriously, what else do I need?



Writing is so much fun. This is from my current novel:

Hypocrisy is a faltered human quality. Most suppose that we’ll all hypocrites; that we can’t help but do what we believe is wrong. As if to say, a liar hated when he was lied to. However, we all don’t have to contradict ourselves. We have a choice. Naturally, it will be hard, but so are the other significant choices in life. I was convinced that every person that attended my High school knew they were a fraud, in some way or another. They had to know that. How could they not? They dressed in their catholic uniforms, and began their mornings with a passage from the Bible, yet when they were free from judgment, they acted equivalent to the unsaved sinners of the world. Such a paradox, isn’t it? This is the precise reason why I chose to give up on their style, and to generate one of my own. I knew I was a sinner and I didn’t pretend to be otherwise. I was a strong advocate of equality among all human beings. No matter what their prerogative, no matter what their religion, their beliefs, they were all the same. Whether, we want to admit it or not, we all have an agenda, a reason to why we get out of bed each morning. My reason was simple. A voice is the back of my head said I had too.I obeyed it every morning without fail. And so the morning comes, uninvited yet mandatory. The dreariness of the sky as the sun waits to emerge seems to drag on eternally. My mind and body gave a tough fight this time, it strained to dwell in its dream world. As always, it feared the day to come. When I’m only dreaming, the real world can’t touch me. My life is but a castle in the sky, free of all immoral and wicked things. But my liberated outlook could only exist for so long. Eventually, the day must start somehow.©

Listen

"Listen to the mustn'ts child, Listen to the don'ts
Listen to the shouldn'ts, The impossibles the wont's,
Listen to the never haves, Listen close to me,
Anything can happen child, Anything can be."



I ended up going to the tea party they had at the capital last week. It was absolutely crazy. The trains were packed with people, I've never seen it that bad.
People were really into it. It was a nice experience.


I went to see Megan last night for a couple hours.
I think I should do that every Monday night.

I have so much to get done. I have a paper to write, and finals to study for. blah, blah, blah. At least thats all I'm complaining about.

I absolutely love this song. It's been calming me down lately.

But you're still young and out of line

Must my weekends always end in distaster?
I feel like crawling up in a ball and staying there.
But then again, there are still things worth fighting for.

Coffee rehab isn't going very well. A cup of coffee would defiantly calm me down right now, as ironic as that sounds.

I've been sucked into Americas Next Top Model. In my defense, it's very addicting.
I really want Allison to win. She's looks like an adorable bunny.

My life has become a boring pop song and everyone's singing along.

I thought I was going to outsmart the pollen this year. But once again, the allergies have attacked. It's 40 degrees outside currently. This is by far the strangest spring I have ever seen.
I've gotten really far in my novel. I must say, I'm really loving this one.
It should be done very soon.


The one thing thats better than writing, is being read to.
I love it :)

In heaven, we will all be free

I trust the universe knows what it's doing.
I'm not going to try to fight this time.
But I have a wonderful plan.
I will be free.

"A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you."

How does one become a butterfly?

I feel sick to my stomach.
I so desperately wanted to do well this semester. And the chances of me getting the HOPE scholarship are slim to none.
It's so hard to do your best when you have a parent literally holding you back.
Mental note: Apparently turning 18 doesn't change a thing.
I don't really know what's important anymore...maybe I should let this go.

If only I could really begin to believe this way.

I do believe in faeries, I do, I do.

"Sometimes I see the world for what it really is, sometimes it sees me."
Those are the first words that crossed my mind this morning, after having a dream I was turning 19 tomorrow.
I think I'm afraid of growing older. No, I'm positive I'm afraid of growing older. I feel like I'm 30 already. I must be an old soul.
Thankfully, I wont be 19 for 11 more months. And 19 is so young...I better get over this soon.

Imaginary arguments

I'm done trying to please people.

It's getting me no where.

"Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back."

The simple things I love are:
coffee with two creams, two sugars
good night kisses
good morning kisses
movie marathons with my best friend
window shopping
christmas eve
palm reading
emphathy
kisses on the forehead
free food
therapy sessions with music
throwing pennies into fountains