I'm slowly killing the voice inside my head, the voice of fear, and I'm replacing it with the voice of reason. It's here to claim it's throne, to speak the glorious truth.

So I was going through my old notebooks from last semester and I came across something I long forgot.

Is is possible for one person to forever alter your circumstances? This person doesn't have to be your one true love, you won't marry this person, and you may never see them again. Yet that one person is your ultimate source of power. They are where you draw your greatest inspiration, your most challenging pain, and your most immense insight. I say it is possible, for I have that person. He did nothing to earn this Medal of Honor, not once was he worthy of it. On no account did he ever make me feel special or admirable, but rather shameful and naive. So how in my right mind is he my greatest influence? He revealed to me places inside me I didn't know existed, I felt pain that I didn't know possible, I felt passion that defeated my very soul, leaving a new one in it's place. He opened my eyes to the world. I hear more salvation as the rain pours on my roof, I see more love as a mother scolds her child, I smell more hope in the desperation of a broken man. He revealed to me the beauty of this very life. I love him every single breath for that. And I know that someday soon, the breathing will become easier, as it flows back to it's natural routine.



What doesn't seem fair is that Bella actually haves the privilege of spending her entire life with that person.
I must remember she's a fictional character.
Trailer for New Moon comes out tomorrow!
Don't judge me.

I find it whimsical how when things fall apart, the more important things fall into place.
It's as if the universe is aligning as a reward for my surrender.
It gives me hope.


"The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."


I've never felt so alone before.It's both terrifying and intriguing.

There's so much to discover while you're on your own, yet you have no one to share it with.

My favorite part.

I finally felt the sun today.
It was remarkable.
If by chance, at the end of this life an angel asks me what my favorite part was, I'll reply undoubtedly with "warmth."
The warmth of the sun on my skin.
The warmth of my bed on a chilly night.
The warmth of a twenty minute long shower.
The warmth of being held by someone I love.
It's the ultimate feeling of comfort and security.
Even if it is just an illusion of safety, it's the greatest one there is.

I read the world in retrospect.

I was at a meeting last night, and the speaker said something very profound, something I think I already knew but didn't understand.
"The past doesn't determine who we are in the present, the future does."
We're living into the future expectations of ourselves, creating who we think we ought to be.
I can't explain it, but it's the truest thing I've heard in awhile.

I'm not a huge fan of the Bible, but this verse is it's best aspect.
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Peter was a smart guy.


I'm really disappointed Allison didn't win. :(

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

This morning, while I was searching under my bed for something, I found something else that sparked my interest.
On a crumpled up piece of note book paper, was something I had written months ago.
It read:
“If I were to be promised that I would find someone to love as much as I love him, then I would gladly let him go.
But I’m afraid I won’t.
So I’m going to hold on for as long as I possibly can.

Even if I’m miserable doing so.”

I was blown away by how idiotic my judgment was.
How could I expect to love anyone, or accept love in return, if I was still holding on to someone who didn’t deserve my love in the first place?
I wasn’t seeing clearly at this time, I was thinking irrationally. But I learned so much about myself by thinking this way. This explains it perfectly:
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”
-Charles Dickens

Three months later and I’ve found that someone to love.
It’s me.
I don’t completely love myself quite yet, but I’m a step closer every day.
I find myself being more defensive lately. It’s like I have to protect myself from people’s criticism and judgments now more than ever. I think it’s because I’ve been walked all over and manipulated far past the point anyone should have to tolerate.
I need to take care of myself to love myself.

"What is right for one soul may not be right for another. It may mean having to stand on your own and do something strange in the eyes of others. But do not be daunted; do whatever it is because you know within it is right for you."
-Eileen Caddy


The Reader is my favorite story thus far.
Perhaps because I can relate to it on some level.
I recommend everyone to either read the book, or watch the movie; both which are absolutely wonderful.

And what about the truth?

It's been a year since I left high school.
I've missed out on a lot and experienced things I could have avoided if I staid.
Regardless of all the bad, I'm happy in my decision. I'm ten times stronger of a person than I was a year ago. I have many people to thank for that.
This year can be summed up in the great words of Johnny Cash. But I won't be living inside his song anymore, it's time for something better.

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


I once had a garden filled with flowers
that grew only in dark thoughts.
But they needed constant attention
and one day I decided I had better things to do.

“Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns driven time and again off course, once he had plundered the hallowed heights of Troy . Many cities of men he saw and learned their minds, many pains he suffered, heartsick on the open sea, fighting to save his life and bring his comrades home.”
-The Odyssey




Today was a test of my strength.
I didn't pass.